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Water. Gun. Argument. by Alan Haehnel play script cover

Water. Gun. Argument.

by Alan Haehnel

An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend.

Every year the students of Ratherford High participate in a squirt gun competition called Assassin. There are rounds, rules and judges.

It’s the oldest game in the world, right? Kids trying to shoot at each other with play guns? It’s become a national phenomenon, so what’s the harm?

If there was an actual school shooting, of course they’d stop playing. And a squirt gun would never be mistaken for a real gun, right? An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend. A thought provoking and powerful piece in a docu-theatre style.

Drama Issue-Based

Average Producer Rating: 5.0 out of 5

Recommended for High Schools

At a Glance

Running Time
About 40 minutes
Approximate; excludes intermissions and scene changes
Cast
49 Characters
4 M 8 F 37 Any Gender
Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors
Set
Simple set
Length
30 pages
Production Tips
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Free Excerpt
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Performance Royalty Fees

Royalty fees apply to all performances whether or not admission is charged. Any performance in front of an audience (e.g. an invited dress rehearsal) is considered a performance for royalty purposes.

Exemption details for scenes and monologues for competition.

49 Characters

  • 4 Males
  • 8 Females
  • 37 Any Gender
  • Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors

Characters in this play are currently identified as male or female. Directors are welcome to assign any gender (binary or non-binary) to any character and modify pronouns accordingly.

  • MICHAEL Male 93 lines
    Male. The curator of the play.
  • JENNIFER Any gender 8 lines
    Reporter for WCYA. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9, as Morgan, Brigid, Shelly or Anna.
  • JASON Any gender 21 lines
    A none-too-bright member of Michael’s Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • MELISSA Any gender 17 lines
    Principal of Ratherford High School.
  • GIRL Female 1 line
    A single-line character squirted by Jason. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • MR. HUDNOR Any gender 11 lines
    Argumentation teacher at Ratherford High School.
  • CAPTAIN MEEKS Any gender 5 lines
    Chief of Ratherford Police Department.
  • TOMMY Male 23 lines
    Cocky member of an Assassin Team opposing Michael’s. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • JAKE Male 10 lines
    Teammate with Tommy. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • ELISE Female 13 lines
    An Assassin judge with a crush on Michael.
  • QUESTIONER Any gender 25 lines
    A faceless voice who questions Officer Kline.
  • OFFICER KLINE Female 35 lines
    A member of the Ratherford police force.
  • MRS. GRAY Female 13 lines
    An old widow who feels threatened by the Assassin game.
  • COMPLAINT 1-9 Any gender
    Various off-stage voices representing players of the Assassin game with complaints for the judges.
  • CARA Any gender 12 lines
    An Assassin player on a team opposing Michael’s.
  • TOBY Any gender 8 lines
    Team-mate to Cara.
  • PROTESTERS Any gender 8 lines
    8-20 people carrying signs and chanting protests.
  • MORGAN Female 12 lines
    Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • BRIGID Female 24 lines
    Captain of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • SHELLY Female 7 lines
    Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
  • ANNA Female 8 lines
    Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.

Praise for Water. Gun. Argument.

5 out of 5 stars
Nicholas Freeman
Minnehaha Academy
Love the story and the productive conversations that took place around it. Also love the flexible casting.

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