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Water. Gun. Argument. by Alan Haehnel play script cover

Water. Gun. Argument.

by Alan Haehnel

An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend.

Every year the students of Ratherford High participate in a squirt gun competition called Assassin. There are rounds, rules and judges.

It’s the oldest game in the world, right? Kids trying to shoot at each other with play guns? It’s become a national phenomenon, so what’s the harm?

If there was an actual school shooting, of course they’d stop playing. And a squirt gun would never be mistaken for a real gun, right? An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend. A thought provoking and powerful piece in a docu-theatre style.

Drama Issue-Based

Average Producer Rating:

Recommended for High Schools

At a Glance

Running Time
About 40 minutes
Approximate; excludes intermissions and scene changes
Cast
49 Characters
4 M8 F37 Any Gender, Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors
Set
Simple set
Length
30 pages
Production Tips
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Free Excerpt
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Performance Royalty Fees

Royalty fees apply to all performances whether or not admission is charged. Any performance in front of an audience (e.g. an invited dress rehearsal) is considered a performance for royalty purposes.

Exemption details for scenes and monologues for competition.

49 Characters

4 M, 8 F, 37 Any Gender, Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors

Characters in this play are currently identified as male or female. Directors are welcome to assign any gender (binary or non-binary) to any character and modify pronouns accordingly.

MICHAEL [M] 93 lines
Male. The curator of the play.
JENNIFER [A] 8 lines
Reporter for WCYA. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9, as Morgan, Brigid, Shelly or Anna.
JASON [A] 21 lines
A none-too-bright member of Michael’s Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
MELISSA [A] 17 lines
Principal of Ratherford High School.
GIRL [F] 1 line
A single-line character squirted by Jason. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
MR. HUDNOR [A] 11 lines
Argumentation teacher at Ratherford High School.
CAPTAIN MEEKS [A] 5 lines
Chief of Ratherford Police Department.
TOMMY [M] 23 lines
Cocky member of an Assassin Team opposing Michael’s. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
JAKE [M] 10 lines
Teammate with Tommy. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
ELISE [F] 13 lines
An Assassin judge with a crush on Michael.
QUESTIONER [A] 25 lines
A faceless voice who questions Officer Kline.
OFFICER KLINE [F] 35 lines
A member of the Ratherford police force.
MRS. GRAY [F] 13 lines
An old widow who feels threatened by the Assassin game.
COMPLAINT 1-9 [A]
Various off-stage voices representing players of the Assassin game with complaints for the judges.
CARA [A] 12 lines
An Assassin player on a team opposing Michael’s.
TOBY [A] 8 lines
Team-mate to Cara.
PROTESTERS [A] 8 lines
8-20 people carrying signs and chanting protests.
MORGAN [F] 12 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
BRIGID [F] 24 lines
Captain of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
SHELLY [F] 7 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
ANNA [F] 8 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.

Praise for Water. Gun. Argument.

Nicholas Freeman
Minnehaha Academy
Love the story and the productive conversations that took place around it. Also love the flexible casting.

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