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Water. Gun. Argument.

Water. Gun. Argument.

by Alan Haehnel

An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend.

Every year the students of Ratherford High participate in a squirt gun competition called Assassin. There are rounds, rules and judges.

It’s the oldest game in the world, right? Kids trying to shoot at each other with play guns? It’s become a national phenomenon, so what’s the harm?

If there was an actual school shooting, of course they’d stop playing. And a squirt gun would never be mistaken for a real gun, right? An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend. A thought provoking and powerful piece in a docu-theatre style.

Drama Issue-Based

Average Producer Rating:

Recommended for High Schools

Running Time
About 40 minutes
Approximate; excludes intermissions and scene changes
Cast
49 Characters
4 M | 8 F | 37 Any Gender, Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors
Set
Simple set
Length
30 pages
Free Excerpt

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Performance Royalty Fees

Royalty fees apply to all performances whether or not admission is charged. Any performance in front of an audience (e.g. an invited dress rehearsal) is considered a performance for royalty purposes.

Exemption details for scenes and monologues for competition.

49 Characters
4 M, 8 F, 37 Any Gender, Using doubling, the play could be performed with as few as 18 actors

Characters in this play are currently identified as male or female. Directors are welcome to assign any gender (binary or non-binary) to any character and modify pronouns accordingly.

MICHAEL [M] 93 lines
Male. The curator of the play.
JENNIFER [A] 8 lines
Reporter for WCYA. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9, as Morgan, Brigid, Shelly or Anna.
JASON [A] 21 lines
A none-too-bright member of Michael’s Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
MELISSA [A] 17 lines
Principal of Ratherford High School.
GIRL [F] 1 line
A single-line character squirted by Jason. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
MR. HUDNOR [A] 11 lines
Argumentation teacher at Ratherford High School.
CAPTAIN MEEKS [A] 5 lines
Chief of Ratherford Police Department.
TOMMY [M] 23 lines
Cocky member of an Assassin Team opposing Michael’s. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
JAKE [M] 10 lines
Teammate with Tommy. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
ELISE [F] 13 lines
An Assassin judge with a crush on Michael.
QUESTIONER [A] 25 lines
A faceless voice who questions Officer Kline.
OFFICER KLINE [F] 35 lines
A member of the Ratherford police force.
MRS. GRAY [F] 13 lines
An old widow who feels threatened by the Assassin game.
COMPLAINT 1-9 [A]
Various off-stage voices representing players of the Assassin game with complaints for the judges.
CARA [A] 12 lines
An Assassin player on a team opposing Michael’s.
TOBY [A] 8 lines
Team-mate to Cara.
PROTESTERS [A] 8 lines
8-20 people carrying signs and chanting protests.
MORGAN [F] 12 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
BRIGID [F] 24 lines
Captain of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
SHELLY [F] 7 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.
ANNA [F] 8 lines
Member of the final-round Assassin team. Could double as a protestor, as one of the Complaints 1-9.

Praise for Water. Gun. Argument.

Nicholas Freeman
Minnehaha Academy
Love the story and the productive conversations that took place around it. Also love the flexible casting.

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From the Drama Teacher Learning Centre

Theatrefolk Featured Play – Water. Gun. Argument. by Alan Haehnel
Featured Plays

Theatrefolk Featured Play – Water. Gun. Argument. by Alan Haehnel

*Welcome to our Featured Play Spotlight. * Water. Gun. Argument. by Alan Haehnel is a thought provoking and powerful piece in a docu-theatre style. An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend. Every year the students of Ratherford High participate in a squirt gun competition called Assassin. There are rounds, rules and judges. It’s the oldest game in the world, right? Kids trying to shoot at each other with play guns? It’s become a national phenomenon, so what’s the harm? If there was an actual school shooting, of course they’d stop playing. And a squirt gun would never be mistaken for a real gun, right? An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend. Why did we publish this play? We feel that issue plays should ask questions rather than provide solutions. The last act of an issue play is the discussion afterward. Water. Gun. Argument. presents a thesis that offers a lot of opportunity for in-depth discussion: ‘”An argument is a lie you choose to believe and defend.” Is a water gun always a water gun? What if it’s mistaken for the real thing? Alan Haehnel is a long time Theatrefolk writer and we are proud to include his latest in our catalogue. Let’s hear from the author!1. Why did you write this play? I have always been fascinated by the tension between one’s philosophy and one’s actions. In other words, why do we believe something yet act in a way contrary to that belief? I felt the game of Assassin, which has become a tradition at the liberal school where I teach, really encapsulates this conflict. How do students come from families that regularly preach against violence and guns yet gleefully engage in this activity that celebrates both? 2. Describe the theme in one or two sentences. Our actions reveal our true philosophies. 3. What’s the most important visual for you in this play? Probably the blackout that comes just before the gunshot. Truthfully, though, this is a play that relies much more on the commitment of the actors to good, honest, vulnerable performances than on stage visuals. 4. If you could give one piece of advice for those producing the play, what would it be? Don’t let things like costuming, sets, etc., take up too much time. This is an acting piece and cannot succeed without a strong focus on acting. 5. Why is this play great for student performers? Water. Gun. Argument. is a play that will engender great thoughts and discussions for performers and audiences alike. Teenagers like to make some trouble; this play, well-presented, will do that, in a good way. 6. Do you have any tips for those who are performing this play online? Since this is a play, essentially, about building arguments, having everyone speaking directly into the “camera” and not able to move or interact much should work well. Keep the focus on faces, well-lit; make sure the backgrounds in individual homes aren’t distracting.
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