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The Absolutely Insidious and Utterly Terrifying Truth About Cat Hair by Bradley Walton play script cover

The Absolutely Insidious and Utterly Terrifying Truth About Cat Hair

by Bradley Walton

Cat hair is infinite. No matter how much hair you brush off of a cat, there will always be more. Always.

Cat hair has existed since the beginning of time, and it will be here long after cockroaches have become extinct. It is the secret driving force behind business and politics, and is plotting the downfall of humanity even as we speak.

Unbelievable? Find out for yourself in this insidious and utterly terrifying tale, which is also totally hilarious, easy to stage, and suitable for an insanely large cast. Brenda! Put down that brush! Step away from the cat!

Average Producer Rating: 5.0 out of 5

Recommended for High Schools and Middle Schools

At a Glance

Running Time
About 25 minutes
Approximate; excludes intermissions and scene changes
Cast
8 Characters
8 Any Gender, Plus ensemble of 8-100
Set
Simple Set
Length
30 pages
Free Excerpt

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Performance Royalty Fees

Royalty fees apply to all performances whether or not admission is charged. Any performance in front of an audience (e.g. an invited dress rehearsal) is considered a performance for royalty purposes.

Exemption details for scenes and monologues for competition.

8 Characters

8 Any Gender, Plus ensemble of 8-100

Characters in this play are currently identified as male or female. Directors are welcome to assign any gender (binary or non-binary) to any character and modify pronouns accordingly.

Narrator [A] 103 lines
The narrator.
Brenda/Bradley [A] 59 lines
A cat owner.
Butterball Snowflake [A] 83 lines
Brenda’s cat.
Lint Roller [A] 3 lines
A lint roller.
Granola Bar [A] 3 lines
A granola bar.
Vacuum Cleaner [A] 3 lines
A vacuum cleaner.
Frankie [A] 1 line
A roll of masking tape.
Cat Hairs [A]
From around 8 to 100 or more. No lines. All mimed.

Praise for The Absolutely Insidious and Utterly Terrifying Truth About Cat Hair

5 out of 5 stars
Joyce Shellenberger
Pennridge North Middle School
I love this play! We did it as part of a spring middle school festival in our district and the kids and audience loved it!!
5 out of 5 stars
Brianna Dawe
Strathcona-Tweedsmuir School
Our Grade 7s and 8s loved this play. With a cast of 35, everyone felt like they had a meaningful role to play. The cat hairs loved coming up with movement, action and staging ideas to help develop their 'character'.
5 out of 5 stars
Barbara Peterson
Kennard-Dale High School
This is my second time directing this play and it was just as much fun the second time around. I love that it has a simple set - we used a bare stage with just a stool and a table for the cat to sit on. Simple, but effective.

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